Domme With a View!
These essays took much more room than I expected. They will eventually be moved to separate pages and then I will add a few more.
But for now, scroll, scroll, scroll!
Subject: Depersonalization or Are Dommes Human?
In my journey on the path of Female Domination I have learned many things. Some have made me laugh, some have made me angry and some have made me wonder why. One of the saddest things about becoming very knowledgable, experienced Dommes is that in so doing we somehow lose our humanity to those who “serve” us. I won’t even get into the many levels of servitude, submission and quasi-submission at this time. That isn’t the point of today’s ramblings. Now, this loss of humanity seems to be most acute in the “fantasy facilitator” type ProDommes.
However, lifestyle Dommes and slave trainer type Dommes are not immune to it. In the world of sessions and clients, is an interesting aspect I like to call the “cum-and-flee” syndrome. The client has had his needs satisfied and can’t get out of the Domme’s presence fast enough. Some are a bit polite about it, offering a little idle chat as they prepare to leave. But the truth of it is, once they get past that door, she ceases to exist to them. She is just another utility object in his life to use and put away as he pleases. Not a person, but an extension of his own personal fantasy.
Moreover, some would-be 24/7 submissives bring that same mentality to the live in relationship. As if you are living a round- the-clock fantasy session. The mystery mythos that sometimes surrounds Mistresses (seen more often in the Old School/Guard days), saying it is dangerous to become too familiar; creates a climate in which it is all too easy to forget that the hand that wields the whip is attached to a living, breathing human being with all that entails. That same mythos that says Dommes must never show weakness, must never ask for emotional support.
Just last week one of my submissive students chided me for seeking consolation when a long term student betrayed me. He said it tarnished my image to convey sadness to him! Are we not human first, and Domme second? I prefer to be a total woman, rather than a one sided cartoon fantasy figure, that encourages compartmentalization akin to multiple personality disorder. Those who would serve us well understand that.
Those who persist in keeping us up on the shelf like some toy until they are ready for us, holding us up to their fantasy image of what a Domme should be like, don’t deserve to serve us. I read a post from a novice Domme who was shocked when she found out that the submissive male she had been playing with for some time had a wife. She felt betrayed. They often have wives, they have wives who will not indulge their fantasies so they seek out Dommes.
In this day and age, there are many novice Dommes on the net who are eager and willing to play, but have little understanding of what makes males tick. They have no idea what they are getting into, and the way males will play them to get what they want.
I read a quote once that seems to relate, “a man uses love to get sex”, and “a woman uses sex to get love”. Perhaps being a Domme isn’t as crass and simplistic as that, but it does point out that males often have a different agenda than females. Most of the male “submissives” I have encountered basically want to get the most in return for giving the least they can get away with. Yes, there are exceptions, and those males are rare gems (I call them my diamonds).
Also, Dommes contribute to their own depersonalization as well. They play into the myth for whatever reasons they have, those who see it purely as a business find compartmentalizing very easy and a solution. Moreover, there are “Dommes” who are not such, but prey upon the submissive’s needs to exploit him. This can apply to both Pro and Non-Pro Dommes, and submissives as well. Any person is capable of exploiting another for a myriad of reasons.
However, many of us are in a gray area, not exactly professional and not exactly lifestyle, but a blending of both. We are not easily labeled. So for us, being seen as less than human, as some form of utility no better nor worse than a toilet, can take a big chunk out of our self esteem.
The only solution I have is to educate our selves and our submissives that it is OK for us to be human, to have the full range of emotions that is expected and to sometimes need a shoulder to cry on.
Sometimes the best shoulder to cry on is a devoted submissive.
Subject: Abuse Toward Dom/mes
I would like to discuss what some may see as a non-issue. We all take tremendous risks when meeting others, none of us is incapable of being harmed.
I know of many Dom/mes who have been physically/emotionally hurt by so called subs. Three personal friends (Dommes) had their lives destroyed by jealous female submissives. One was threatened at knife point, another was choked, another was belittled and insulted in a large group of people. Another Domme I know was attacked by a male submissive, and there are the cases of ProDommes murdered by clients. One lost her house, another her marriage. Others have been threatened by submissives with mob connections, been exposed to vanilla family, friends and jobs, turned into the police on false charges, etc.
We are human, we are not made of stone. We hurt just like submissives do. I think you don’t hear about it as much because we are not supposed to be vulnerable, we are supposed to be the in-charge ones. But we also put up with a lot of abuse when we fall in love with our submissives, I know this one personally, and from more than one submissive. There certainly is not enough said about it, and I know of no support groups for Dom/mes who have been hurt in these fashions, while the support groups for submissives are plenty.
Then I received a response from a male dom who DID think it was a non issue, to him anyway…..
So I responded of course!
Thank you, but put BDSM abuse in the search engine and see what you get. Also, I didn’t mean to imply that this just happens to Dommes. I know of various Masters it has happened to as well and they are even less likely to speak up being men and all. One I know had his bank account drained, his job lost and his dog poisoned, another lost his house and still another ended up in the hospital when said jealous sub had him attacked by friends of hers. A Master I know right here in Maine has been practically blackballed from the community and gone to jail on charges of stalking. Personally, I don’t believe it and see it as a case of a woman not wanting her husband to know she still has feeling for her ex-Master. She has outed him all over the net as well.
The basis for a lot of this abuse toward Dom/mes seems to stem from jealousy whether warrented or not. Perhaps Dommes and Doms just don’t want to admit that these things happen, often we feel foolish and dumb for having trusted someone with so much of our lives, but it still happens and pretty regularly.
I often wonder about what gets us into the BDSM, femdom, D/s (whatever label you prefer) lifestyle. I enjoy reading about how others got started and why. I guess I have always been a student of human behavior, a self styled social scientist, so I like getting into the whys of it all.
I know there are many theories concerning why we do what it is that we do. Some say that perhaps I am a Mistress because I am an abuse survivor. I am not sure I completely accept that reason. There are many people who are abuse survivors, most women I have ever known as a matter of fact, and only a small percentage of them get into this lifestyle. I have heard the same rationale explaining why a woman might be a Lesbian. I don’t know about the old nurture vs. nature controversy, perhaps it is a bit of both. But my vote is on nature.
Another theory concerns how we were or were not parented. Perhaps an overcontrolling mother or an abusive or absent father. Or visa versa. I guess those firmly in the nurture camp would take this approach. But again, if that were the case, why isn’t everyone who is parented thusly into our lifestyle? Why can some families have siblings who were parented exactly the same yet turn out so differently? But then, are siblings ever parented exactly the same? Being an only child, I can’t say for certainty, but I believe no two siblings are parented exactly.
Still another theory would have that those of us who find ourselves in the dominant role are essentially control freaks, very anal. We want things our way and only our way. We have countless rules and rituals on how things are in our environment. That may be true of a fantasy dominant, but I have not met one dominant in the flesh that fit that mold longer than a scene or training class or session. Still, such people may exist.
Then there is the theory that female dominants are into it primarily for the money. Having been both a lifestyle Domme and proDomme most of my adult life (and I am about to turn 48) I can tell you that the money is not astronomical and like any profession there are numerous expenses. Being into it only for the money doesnt’ bode well for any long career of domination. Many “whips for hire” come and go in the blink of an eye, but those of us who have been around for a long time must have other motivations than just the money. Something that keeps us going when the money is scarce and the quality of applicants is not to our liking.
Of course, last but not least, is the sexual theory. Some of us are into it becuase we enjoy the kinky sex. Sometimes that is all there is, the only motivation. That is not a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. I know there is an underlying sexuality, sensuality, to all of the BDSM-femdom roleplay and lifestyle. But for me, it has always been more than a physical orgasm. It is something I have in the past described as a body rush. I like it. It is who I am, who I always have been, and probably always will be.
I was a proDomme early on, in the early 80’s I discovered newspapers and magazines in which I could advertise for slaves. I was very innocent in those days, in that I completely bought what the magazines said. I believed the people who advertised lived as they stated, that it was a lifestyle for them in all ways. Somehow, these were my early role models.
But I was advertising as a Mistress long before I knew there was money in it. In the 70’s I was meeting slaves and conducting long drawn out scenarios in my bedroom, attic or outdoors in the woods. I loved it, it was always a thrill, a new adventure. I wrote stories, articles and opinion pieces of these early experiences and this carried through to the 80’s when I started seeing clients. I think I was one of the first to use the word session in this respect.
I was interested in all of this even further back, in my childhood and early teens. I lived in a small town in the middle of the Nevada desert. Across the way from our house was a drive in. I often saw old movies, roman gladiator type movies as I sat in the cab of my father’s Ford pick up. Of course, I couldn’t hear the movies. But I could see them, scenes of slaves toiling along, being whipped and generally living in slavelike conditions. I made up my own dialogue as I watched and was continuously fascinated with watching these movies again and again. I did not connect to sexuality until years later.
Well, I guess I can not offer any clear cut answers concerning motivations. Perhaps it is a combination of the theories I have discussed, or perhaps it is somethings else again. However, whatever the reason, I just know that this is who and what I am.
Who is ultimately responsible for a successful BDSM, D/s, TPE (whatever acronyms you follow) relationship? I believe while one may lead, responsibility is essentially shared. The Dom/me has responsibilities to the submissive that include leading, listening, teaching, correcting, caring, protecting, acknowledging their submission in ways that are useful and fulfiling to both of them.
The submissive has mutual responsibilities that include all of the above. Yes, submissives sometimes lead, as in when the Dom/me is sick. Submissives may correct misunderstandings and most submissives care to protect their Dom/me as well. Dom/mes and submissives learn from each other, so both are teachers and both are learners. Neither has the right to abuse, neglect, ignore or abandon the other. If the relationship no longer works, find out why and fix it or agree to terminate it.
Other considerations are not true responsibilities (shelter, etc.) but things that are worked into the relationship as expectations. This is why a slave contract is so handy, it spells it all out. I believe both sides of the whip (so to speak) have mutual responsibilities, rights and expectations that should be honored and respected.
Respect however is not something that can just be handed out like party favors, it is earned. Just like trust. Once lost, either respect or trust is extremely hard to regain.
Subject: A bit of my history
I don’t know how or when it all started for me. I can remember watching movies as a child, movies about Roman gladiators and such and enjoying the scenes where they were whipped. My mother was in the adult industry (she didn’t raise me) as what was then called a burlesque queen (stripper), she also had private clients that liked to play mommy games with her. As a teenager, I was into pen palling and as I approached my 18th birthday I discoved the world of adult pen palling. The publications in those days were very crude by today’s standards, basically mimeoed sheets of ads. From one of these I answered an ad from a place in Canada (Sylvia’s services I think it was called) that advertised male slaves and submissives. I had very little idea what that was about but I was intrigued.
The first time my first such slave visited I wasn’t sure what to do with him. So he cleaned my oven and took my laundry out and had it done. He took me on errands. He slept overnight in a sleeping bag in my shed and seemed fully comfortable with that, when he stayed overnight. One day he put a crop in my hand and that is when I found out about the corporal elements of this lifestyle. It was (is) a power trip for me, but had nothing to do with how I got off or my sexual stirrings, those were very vanilla albeit with a lesbian partner.
Eventually he brought me swinger magazines that had BDSM ads in them, there were few specialized mags for our kind in those days. I was naieve and thought the stories I read and the ads were real, that these people really lived their lives controlling others 24/7.
Little did I know it was a business and at times showbusiness, stage shows. Little did I know that many of the ads/stories supposedly written by a Mistress were written by the “man behind her”. Not knowing these things, and not having a male partner, I developed in the lifestyle thinking it was all very real. And to me, it was real, I believed in it 100%. Then I encountered the fact that there was money to be made dominating others. So I conducted slave training sessions, but always found something missing, unsettling about it.
It was as if I were the submissive catering to the male. At another time I will relate some of my session stories. I marvel at the diversity. Some told me I was the most real Mistress they had met, I didn’t understand what they meant, I was me doing what I loved.
I realized I wanted a full time slave to live with me, not as a sexual partner, but as a servant. Someone I would indulge my fantasies with when I desired, and would allow them their orgasms as rewards. But the first priority being to be my servant at all times and in all things. My first live ins were male (I have had only one live in female and she is my partner). They told me stories of other households, things like universal expectations on how to address a Mistress, not to sit on the furniture, rules, structure, routines, never embarrassing the Mistress, addressing all dominants with title no matter what the Mistress personally thought of them, etc; always putting the Mistress in charge of the household, like a Queen with her serfs.
Such slaves were given away when the Mistress tired of them, sent off to other households, with little care given to their actual feelings. I heard of dangerous situations, illness uncared for and seeming total disregard for the lives of these people who devoted themselves entirely to the dominant’s well being. They obeyed in all of this because this was the life they wanted to live, they didn’t want a vanilla existence. When I aquired pooch, she told me similar stories. It was an entirely underground lifestyle few knew about, and those who did thought we were all sick.
Clients who came to professional Mistresses knew nothing of thelife that went on in the household when not in session, knew nothing of the lives of the live ins, what they went through always putting that dominant first. Clients envied them thinking how wonderful it must be to live 24/7 in such an adult paradise. Little did they know such slaves lived lives of quiet desperation, not wanting to lose that person/lifestyle they wanted so much. Such slaves fell in love with their owners, for owners they were in those days. But it was thought weak and undominant for a Mistress to have anything but a passing fondness for any of her subjects. In fact one male wrote to me and said I could not possibly be a Mistress since I loved cats! I should be cold and cruel, uncaring and selfish to all around me.
Surprisingly, this was a common thread in the males that came to me. It was a far cry from safe, sane and consensual; and a further cry from loving dominance.
Recruiting (seducing an owned slave away from their owner) was rampant in those days. The recruiter would promise the world, show the slave the answers to all their fantasies, have sex with them; anything it took to get them over into their household. Once there, it was life as usual. The new toy quickly lost it’s glimmer once reality set in. Slaves were played against each other, favorites caused havoc in the household, and households often had multi slaves. With some, profiency as a Mistress was often judged by how many slaves you had, not if you were successful with them or happy, but how many you had. A popularity contest.
This is the world I come from, and yes I do retain some of those old attitudes, but some of the newer attitudes (such as concern for the welfare of those who serve me) have become a part of who I am. I was never happy with the abandonment and isolation games played in those days, or the brutal punishments followed by cellar incarcerations for the bruises to heal so no one would know, that transpired in some households.
What I miss from those days is the depth of the lifestyle, it is hard to put my finger on just what I am trying to convey. I am not into the BDSM for sex or for lovers only attitudes so common these days. I know there has always been an underlying sexuality to it all and that I don’t have a problem with. I think a certain mystery or ritual has been lost. We have thrown the baby out with the bathwater so to speak.
I believe there is a way to reconcile the noble aspects of our past with the noble aspects of the present. Perhaps a merging of Old Leather/Guard/School/Code with the morals of today?
Subject: On finding a service oriented submissive male
I am having a problem in finding a service oriented submissive male to live in my household with myself and my female slave/partner. They all expect to be lovers or sexual partners. I am not interested in that from a man. I am interested in total servitude. They are also thrown off by the fact that I also train slaves I don’t intend to own full time. I guess it is the jealousy issue. But I am a multi faceted Domme and there are many areas of my life a full time live in male would not share, there are also many he would share. But so many are so wary they are afraid to take the chance. Me too, I have met some real whackos.
I also don’t want someone who expects to lay around until I want to play with him while I go out to work and support his lazy a**. If I wanted to support a man I would be married! LOL. So the fact that I expect them to be adult enough and mature enough to pay part of the bills (as any adult should in our economy these days) makes them resort to calling me names and saying I am just a money grabbing whore. But I refuse to support a man.
I feel it is a relationship in which all parties contribute to the well being of the entire household. Even my slave/partner contributes to the rent/bills, if I expect that from her, why wouldn’t I expect it from a male?
Subject: Mistress Infinity, the Woman
Rarely do prospective submissives get to know me beyond the online image unless they meet me in person. Then too, I often stay in training mode so they still only see one side of me. It distresses me when I hear would be submissives say certain things are uncharacteristic and thus I must not be a REAL Mistress. Often people forget we are real people. So I have decided to let my students know more about me, the person. Never forget tho, as my submissive, I am always your Mistress, it does not turn on and off like a light switch. A Mistress is also human and here is a look at other aspects of who I am.
Some things you may already know; I am tall, full figured, live in Maine, in my late 40’s and live a Mistress lifestyle unlike most. But do I do “Mistressy” things all day? No. I like to watch TV. I enjoy court TV, the reality shows and good movies. I like to watch some educational programs, especially about the human mind. I have been to college. I haven’t finished a degree but I have 80 some credits in behavioral sciences. I maintained almost a perfect 4.0 during college. I guess some may think of me as a nerd. I am bookish, I love to read. I write poetry, stories, opinions; not always about being a Mistress.
I love fantasy art, mermaids, dragons, unicorns, fairies, etc. I like things Victorian and flowers. Especially roses, lilacs and irises. I grew up in the state of Nevada (out next to California) and came to New England as a teenager. My parents were divorced, I was a single child. I have a daughter and a grand daughter living in Massachusetts. My daughter is aware of my lifestyle and was once a Mistress herself. My mother was a stripper in the 40’s and 50′. My mother died in 1990 of early Alzheimer’s. My father died in 1969 when he crashed his Piper Cub airplane.
I like to cook, I don’t like to clean. I am a quiet person and I like things quiet around me. I love the ocean and like to spend the day there sometimes. I also like the woods. The state of Maine is beautiful. I don’t like pushy or nosy people. I like animals, cats, dog and now hamsters. I presently have just two hamsters as pets. I smoke, probably shouldn’t but I do. I don’t drink very often. I feel very strongly about those who do.
My zodiac sign is Aries, my favorite color is purple, my favorite perfume is Nokomis. I like to wear long nightgowns (pretty, sexy sets) and caftans around the house. I like to talk, when I am in the mood. I play The Sims on my computer and design clothes and heads for them in my paint program. I also like to design animated globes with my paint program.
I am self educated in a lot of things. I find learning extremely easy and sometimes boring. I am currently doing a distance training course for computer repair, having finished one in Pharmacy Technician, and I think my next one will be Medical Billing. I work in the medical service industry as a Certified Nurse Assistant and Home Health Aide. It is very demanding work and sometimes even damaging to my self esteem. I am emotional but often hide that from my slaves. Betrayal is a very strong trigger in me. I am extremely shy and will sometimes go out of my way to avoid people.
When I have the flu, I like to be pampered. I like to be pampered at other times as well. I have very ticklish feet so foot rubs and foot worship have always been difficult, I have to restrain myself from kicking the person doing it. However, I can control the impulse for short periods of time. At times I like to be left alone, I don’t like to talk over breakfast.
Well, that is probably enough self-revelation for one day!